Sunday, 14 August 2016

Outside

It just occurred to me that I could never stay in one place. Actually, it's the idea. The idea of staying in the same place for a long period makes me uncomfortable.

I just had a sudden thought of living someplace where no one knows me and starting fresh. Living lowkey. Maybe I want to pursue a life of a nomad.


I think this feeling comes from how I'm quite sheltered. My parents always need to know where I am and when I'll be home. I really didn't know how to catch public transport until last year. I've never stayed out or slept over at a friend's house. I know they worry about me, but it's suffocating. Somewhere near the end of last year, I asked when I could move out. I had planned out, that by June 2016, I would have enough money to live off by myself with the help of a part time job. I was quite excited. I kept this quiet because I feel like my words are jinxs.  The first person I told this to was my friend because her home life was also crap. The next person I told this to was my brother and ultimately my mum. She was devastated. She thought I hated her and I wanted to leave. Both my parents objected. They made excuses like how I wouldn't be able to cope with it and the financial issues. I had never felt so suffocated in my life.



I've always wanted to meet new people who would leave a forever lasting impression. It could be a life advice that they've passed onto me and they'll be forever remembered as the person who gave me the wisdom. I also want to be that person.

Last year, I was studying business and now I'm studying design. Now I want to do something else. I craved the thrill of doing something new and meeting new people. I want to be that one person who you meet once and left a forever lasting impression.

I don't want to stick to a single path. Why? Because ultimately, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I want to go to different places and never come back. I don't have to hold onto a responsibility if I'm always leaving.


Before I finish off this post, I have one last thing to say. I have found my special person. I used to be pessimistic about the thought of love. My philosophy was that 'love is an illusion'. I would write emotionally raw captions on my instagram about how love isn't real and that 'emotion' we consider love will eventually fade. If what I'm currently feeling is an illusion to make me forget about my doom fate of loneliness in death, then stuff it. I'm addicted to it. Love makes me want to live. I want to live longer and watch that person grow. For whatever reason that we're no longer together in the future, he will always be the person who left a lasting impression. I can't seem to find the right words to express my love for him.

He is home.









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