It's 1 am and I just feel the need to write before I attempt to sleep.
Just a few hours ago, I told my friend that I'm happy she's in my life. I fear that one day I won't feel that anymore. Who knows where life would take us, right?
It was around 3 pm when I started feeling 2 am. If I could get rid of something, it'll be self-pity, which is one of the major contributions to my unhappiness. I remember a quote that roughly goes "Regret would cease to exist if we simply switched off our imagination". I thought about it for a while. I have plenty of regrets in my life. If I got rid of the mentality of 'what if' or 'I could've or 'I should've', would I be slightly happier?
I kind of want to go for a walk right now. Does anyone else like smelling the air? Like there is a certain smell at night. Especially during summer, the air smells really nice. I'm an odd one.
I really love night time. It brings out raw emotions and deep thoughts. Cigarettes smell nice at night. I don't smoke though.
It is currently 2:39 am. This is all I could write within the span of time. My mind isn't functionally well lately. I'll leave it at here.
It just occurred to me that I could never stay in one place. Actually, it's the idea. The idea of staying in the same place for a long period makes me uncomfortable.
I just had a sudden thought of living someplace where no one knows me and starting fresh. Living lowkey. Maybe I want to pursue a life of a nomad.
I think this feeling comes from how I'm quite sheltered. My parents always need to know where I am and when I'll be home. I really didn't know how to catch public transport until last year. I've never stayed out or slept over at a friend's house. I know they worry about me, but it's suffocating. Somewhere near the end of last year, I asked when I could move out. I had planned out, that by June 2016, I would have enough money to live off by myself with the help of a part time job. I was quite excited. I kept this quiet because I feel like my words are jinxs. The first person I told this to was my friend because her home life was also crap. The next person I told this to was my brother and ultimately my mum. She was devastated. She thought I hated her and I wanted to leave. Both my parents objected. They made excuses like how I wouldn't be able to cope with it and the financial issues. I had never felt so suffocated in my life.
I've always wanted to meet new people who would leave a forever lasting impression. It could be a life advice that they've passed onto me and they'll be forever remembered as the person who gave me the wisdom. I also want to be that person.
Last year, I was studying business and now I'm studying design. Now I want to do something else. I craved the thrill of doing something new and meeting new people. I want to be that one person who you meet once and left a forever lasting impression.
I don't want to stick to a single path. Why? Because ultimately, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I want to go to different places and never come back. I don't have to hold onto a responsibility if I'm always leaving.
Before I finish off this post, I have one last thing to say. I have found my special person. I used to be pessimistic about the thought of love. My philosophy was that 'love is an illusion'. I would write emotionally raw captions on my instagram about how love isn't real and that 'emotion' we consider love will eventually fade. If what I'm currently feeling is an illusion to make me forget about my doom fate of loneliness in death, then stuff it. I'm addicted to it. Love makes me want to live. I want to live longer and watch that person grow. For whatever reason that we're no longer together in the future, he will always be the person who left a lasting impression. I can't seem to find the right words to express my love for him.
Abandoned, damaged, dusty and rusty are my thing. I've always had the fascination with the aesthetics. I also love the history behind them.
A good opportunity came up, where I had an assignment that required me to go out and take images of the environment. I decided to take pictures of abandoned places around Sydney. Well sadly, most of them are either abolished or under high security.
The only place I could reach was the old Helensburgh station.
It was opened in 1888 and used for steamed trains. It was closed in 1915. From what I've read, it was closed due to health issues from the steam.
It is also rumoured to be haunted.
It's quite easy to find. It's a few minutes away from the current Helensburgh station. The ground is quite damp, so wear some gumboots.
Camera: Nikon d200
My mum once told me that if you see a white orb in your pictures, it means there's a ghost. Got the chills when I saw it. I brushed it off by saying it's just the sunlight. Then I remember reading about a guy that died there...
Yes, I did get scared so I left after 10 minutes of observing the place. I wished I could explore further beyond the gates.
For some reason, I frequently talk about 2015. I talk about it like it was my year. I wonder if I'm stuck in the past. I wonder if it has something to do with being 17. I didn't turn 17 last year but I was 17 for 6 months. I feel like that's the golden age for me. The age where I start to realise things. Or maybe it was turning 18. The 'transition' into adulthood.
I feel like I should talk about it for the last time. 2015.
I feel like I have the inability to be close with anyone. I never had a friend that I truly loved or cared for and vice versa. I don't open up fully or express my feelings. I don't think I ever had a friend that made me look at them and wish for us to grow old together. Everyone is temporary. When I graduated high school, my first thought was that I didn't want to connect with my group of friends. I wanted to go separate ways. I didn't connect with them. I feel like they were the type of people who temporarily cared about me for a while but not a life time. So from that I stopped communicating with anymore for months. I thought that once I started University, I would make a group of friends that I was able to connect with. Someone that my soul can grow attached to. I think I was never cut out to be such a social person. I was truly a fake person. I pretended that I was interested in whatever someone was talking about. I tried to get into politics just to keep with them. So I decided to cut everyone off.
It was just me. 2015 was just filled with dates with myself. On New Year's eve, it was the first time all year that I needed interaction. Because I had cut off many people, I felt more alone than ever. So in the end I had only 3 friends left. Which is better than nothing.
I hated everyone. This is the peak of my angsty teen bull. I don't really have any comment for this. People are fake and I hated that. Period.
I decided to stop fighting it. I don't believe there is a God anymore. It was always a struggle to try and love God. I didn't want to fake my feelings. I hated praying. It felt like I was talking to no one. Praying seemed like false hope.
What bothers me the most was that I thought I loved myself. I thought I had accepted life as it is. I thought I had entered Nirvana and that I was beyond everyone else. In a way, I thought I had broken the fourth wall. I'm the observer of the world. I actually believed that I was at the peak of maturity. I believed that I stopped growing up, just growing old. Ha, I was happy with my mentality. To think that it was happiness when in fact it was the lowest point in my life. The act of an immature person.
Ever since my trip to the Monastery in Bundanoon, two years ago, I've been in love. By in love, I meant with the atmosphere, environment, nature and artitecture. There's no way I could go there again unless I ask my dad to drive me there, but the ride is long and I don't want to feel like a burden.
So I went and searched for someplace that is similar. Nan Tien Temple in Wollongong seemed just perfect. My trip was actually planned december last year, but I never took the initiation since it's a long trip and I have no sense of direction. No one wants to be in a far away place and lost.
Anyways, fast forward to July, I decided to go. Why not right?
Of course I had to plan out everything before I head out. I checked out for any available tour or activities and awesomely, it's available.
I took the train to get there, which took nearly 3 hours. The train from redfern to Unanderra was really crowded. I stood up the entire 1 hour and 45 mins! When I got to the station, I had to walk 15-20 mins to the temple. My feet were dead. Wrong shoes. I wore my cheapest shoes because I was paranoid someone might steal my nike when I take them off. (note to self: don't be stupid)
I caught my first Eevee there. Irrelevant but I just wanted to point that out. Haha.
Anyways, I took the tour. It's $4 for a ticket. On the website it stated about the tour plus activities but apparently they're separate. I didn't get to the fun activities by the way. The tour was around an hour and the tour guide was a mighty joy.
The rocks are representation of life. The white rocks represent the smooth life but along the way you will bump into black rocks which represents negativity. So life isn't smooth. (I hope I got the description right.)
The temple is huge! I mentioned before how my feet were dead, well after the tour, I don't think my feet love me anymore.
The air is seriously fresh.
Beware of snakes!
My tour guide said that everyone has the power to become a Buddha. There's a fun fact.
I couldn't take many pictures, especially the inside of the temple because it was prohibited. I can describe it though, 10000 Buddhas.
I wished I stayed longer but my feet weren't too happy. This is a very instagram worthy place.
I don't recommend coming here by yourself. I thought about how nice it would if I went with my mum.
The train ride back was amazing ( I got to sit down). The view was beautiful.
The train went past Helensburgh and that was quite nostalgic. I had a trip to the abandoned Helensburgh station, back in March. This was for an assignment.
It's June and thus welcomes you the first post of 2016!
Nearly 4 am right now. I went through my blog and it made me consider either deleting this blog or edit some post so it'll be less cringe worthy. It was interesting to see how much I've grown up. I came across the letter I wrote when I was 15 years old. Since I'll be turning 19 in a few weeks, the letter addressed to 20 year old me was.....idk....made me a bit sad. I expected so much accomplishment to be done yet so far none. My dream was to be a successful blogger but my contents are miscellaneous and quite bullshit.
Been a year since my isolation phase. I don't feel so cold anymore, the cold blood that is. I still do think a lot about life and disappearing. I'm coping fine.