Long time no blog!! I'm just lacking motivation, to be honest. Yes, as the title of the post says, I'm going through what I would hope be a phase. I just want it to be over soon.
Lately I've been thinking about life a lot and pretty much having an existential crisis. I feel so alone. I thought maybe I should live a little so I've been going to museums and places but this just made me feel more depressed. Damn it I'm freaking Holden Caulfield from The catcher in the rye! My mind just relates to him a tad too much I cried. I seek human interaction yet my bitterness prevents it. Whenever I meet someone I over analyse them. What are they thinking, why are they acting that way, they are definitely fake, I bet they hate me, well I hate them too etc....
I tend to think people have a motive based on their behaviour. Like for example in High school, my friend acts a certain way to gain popularity. She knows what makes people laugh and her behaviour is very attention seeking. I notice she tends to come to class late that way the teacher will notice it and call her out on it, which the class finds hilarious for some reason.
Have you ever saw through people like how fake their smile is? Why do people pretend to be even nice? They want to look good and they create this persona where everyone would think they are good. At the beginning of a relationship, people show only their good side than later they unravel their disgusting behaviour. We people manipulate each other into think we're perfect when in fact we're not. Like everyone does this. This is how you survive in the world, by being fake. I admit myself I do this and I hate myself for it. I just wish I don't over think situation and people behaviour because it really makes me depress.
I've been telling myself I don't want to grow up. I just dislike adults and what liars they can be and how disgusted I am at their behaviour and motive. I'm slowly becoming one of them and that scares me. What scares me is that I am one but I refuse to admit it. Do any other teenagers feel this way??? I'm sure most do. This transition into adulthood sucks. I hate change. How am I able to cope with it. Everyone is growing old around me. I like things to stay as they are.
I did something crazy. I'm in the process of transferring my course. I decided to do Bachelor of arts majoring in Psychology and sub majoring in Philosophy. I'm crazy I'll ya. This was decided in a few minutes. I'm just not coping well with this life. I don't know what I want. In my mind, I'm still a kid. Damn it I'm only transferring course because I want to become someone who can help teenagers going through what I am. I want to save the last bit of their innocence before they face the harshness of the world and loose their innocence. You see what I mean when I say I'm like Holden. Damn it I want to be the catcher in the rye. I'll catch any kid who is about to fall of the cliff.
My isolation phase is awful. I'm constantly feeling cold like my veins are carrying cold blood. I can't help but be alone and deny the fact that I do have friends. Yes friends but I can't help but be fake around them because of the fear that they won't like my true self. Yet I am constantly judging their behaviour and what they're thinking of me. I fear of calling anyone my best friend because it feels like a curse word. I'll label them as my best friend then the next thing you know they're not. I haven't chilled with any of my friends because it brings me discomfort. I have to always think of things to say in fear they might think I'm boring. I want to be quiet, it brings me peace.
I'll be honest, this is my most honest post I've ever written.