Monday, 21 April 2014

Deep thoughts time

I've been having pretty deep thoughts about life lately. Last Thursday, I was going to Uni with my bro for an experience of what it's like. While on the train, it made me realise that train rides are beautiful. You meet different people, that you'll never see again. You watch those people step onto the platform, heading off to their own life. This makes you come to a realisation that the world in fact doesn't revolve around you. Everyone has their own story and living their life yet you feel like your not living yours. Anyone else feel like that? We aren't living our lives instead we're living in an plan. We go to school, graduate, work a job for the rest of our life, get married and kids then when we're old we realise we haven't lived at all.

The next deep thought I had the other day is the type of care I crave for that doesn't exist.  Do friends even care? If I were to die, is it a big deal? Will it dramatically change their lives? Of course they will care, depending on who they are. But that type of care isn't what I crave for. Parent's care are different. It's natural for them to care as it's part of a job to be a parent. The type of care I crave for is of a lover's care. The need to protect and worry about me. If I need help, they'll be there. This type of care is similar to friends and family but to feels different.  I crave unconditional love. I crave comfort. I crave the happiness a happy couple feels. The type of care that reassures me that they'll love me forever. The saddest thing is that care, I know won't exist for me. I'm not worth that much care. I crave it badly but no one will give it to me. There's that one flaw no one will accept unless they're a Saint. If there's one fear I have in life it's that I will never find someone to love me. The fear I will die by myself, knowing I have accomplish nothing. I fear the imperfection of my life. I fear of marrying the wrong person. I fear of marrying twice or more. I fear of not even getting married. I fear of being old and finally finding the right person then the next thing I know, I don't have long to live. I'm too imperfect for anyone and that's scary. I get the feeling that I'm someone that every guy will cheat on. I crave so badly for someone to care for me, looking pass my flaws. I'm selfish and I want that person to not be able to function without me in their life. I want to be top priority. I want them to have a fear of losing me.

'We accept the love we think we deserve.' I like this quote from Perks of being a wallflower. It describes me. In life we all want someone with God-like appearance who is multi-millionaire. We know we can't because we don't deserve someone like them. We settle down for who we think we deserve base on how we see ourselves. I, to be honest, can not see myself with anyone. In this life I think I don't deserve love. I may want but I can't get. Everyone is too good for me. Like I said earlier, you got to be a Saint if you're going to accept my flaws, because I wouldn't even give myself a second look. I feel like a burden to anyone who will ever love me. You must pity me to be with me.

Sorry for such a depressing post. It's the deep thoughts, I've been having for a while. Life's just weird and crazy. The train though was pretty deep. I've always seen the world as revolving around me. I'm the main character to this world. But there are also other people in it. It just made me realise I'm not living my life, that's why train rides are so beautiful because it made me realise this. This also made me realise that graffiti is just a form of art people left behind as a reminder that they lived in this world and they were there. That was a pretty deep thought.

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